HEALING MY PERFECTIONISM

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“I won’t be loved…”
“I will be criticized…”
“They will figure out I am not worthy…”
What is the story running in your head that prevents you from playing authentically full out?
How is playing small REALLY affecting your life?
Want to change it?
For yourself!!!
-AND for your kids so they grow up knowing their true power?
THAT is what Epic Parenting is all about…
The following words are personal to me that I wrote several months ago, but if they resonate with you at all, let’s talk :)

HEALING MY PERFECTIONISM

I was the perfect child. I never got in trouble – EVER. (Well, my dad may say I was a stubborn pain in the ass as a teenager – but no REAL trouble :) ) I made perfect grades. I was responsible. I never asked for much. I always stepped up to help others when was needed. I pursued a career in medicine and excelled at that. I held leadership positions. I did exactly what I was supposed (in my mind) to do… And let’s be clear – this was my own CREATED expectations…

But I had a secret…

I wasn’t happy. I knew I wasn’t “perfect”. I was trying to fit a mold of what I thought others wanted to see and I KNEW that it wasn’t really me. I couldn’t hide that from myself.

So I judged and even at times hated myself – because I KNEW. I knew the truth of who I was deep down and it wasn’t who I was being. So if who I projected was “perfect” – and I KNEW it wasn’t really me then what conclusion could I draw other than I was actually quite flawed and imperfect?

Subconsciously I beat myself up over this…

I didn’t take care of myself because I wasn’t worth it…

I didn’t follow my own inner voice because how could I trust something that I “KNEW” was so flawed…

The world liked perfect and that was what I was going to show it…

I didn’t express my feelings because they might make others uncomfortable. They might see how imperfect I was and not like me anymore.

I gave everything to everyone because I thought that is what they wanted…

At 39, I was tired. I was lonely…

See, the problem with PERFECT is that it doesn’t exist if you are trying to please others. What I thought was perfect when I was 4 years old was someone who didn’t “need”, didn’t cause any problems, didn’t rock the boat… in essence, creating someone who felt like they didn’t even matter.

Is this true? No! Hell, no! A resounding undeniable false belief! But it was mine and I clung to it like it was a life line in a sea of uncertainty and chaos. Just do what people want you to do and I’d be “safe”.

I didn’t try new things because if I didn’t know what I was doing how could I do it perfectly?

I didn’t dance because what if “they” thought I looked silly?

I didn’t write because what if they didn’t like what I had to say?

I created a prison for myself.

A prison of self-judgement and needing of external reinforcement to feel like I was enough (but I never felt I was enough).

But I wanted to dance…
I wanted to write…
I wanted to laugh and be silly…
I wanted to be happy and joyful…

I am lucky. I recognized the pain of this persona was killing my spirit. My relationships suffered because I was resentful that people didn’t magically see the “me” that I was hiding…

I jumped into a world of self-exploration. I started reading. I surrounded myself with people taking on this journey…

One day I said “enough” and committed to being me…

Now, I wish I could say that day that I figured it all out, never judged myself again and acted authentically in every moment but THAT would be me trying to look perfect. This has not been a perfect process and I’ve learned a lot along the way…

– The way to joy is authenticity
– I always was PERFECT – and nobody else’s opinion could change that
– Following (and trusting) your inner voice can be scary at first, but that is just fear and giving into the perfectionist stories you have told yourself.
– I deserve to love myself because I AM – nothing more is required

Perfectionism is the death of creativity

I vow to create – my life, my art, my joy & my passion

I vow to be unapologetically me

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